If you work in media, everyone just assumes that you’ve had mountains of free time to watch every classic movie and experience ever show. It’s a silly cross to bare, but one I haven’t shied away from in recent years. I wasn’t alive to see the original Star Wars movies. That and Lucas’ dedication to not making them readily available for rent ensured that I’d never watch them.

That is until recently. This past weekend I snuggled up on the couch for a Star Wars marathon, watching all the films without interruption — nearly. I had too, a good friend of mine insisted that I not fly into this week’s premiere of Star Wars: The Force Awakens blind. Rather than review the original film, which is older than my apartment building at this point, I figured sharing my thoughts about the film as I watched it could be fun and far less late to the party. Unedited and uncut, here are those thoughts.

So this synopsis explains Spaceball’s start.

We really gotta capitalize everything though?

Empire sent a Bobcat to capture a 1999 Volkswagen.

These troops have all that helmet and no armor? Cotton in this galaxy isn’t a joke. No 3PO, that is madness.

That poor baby ship with the broken reactor. Like sitting in your car when you know it’s about to get robbed.

Do Republic troops get an honorable burial or what? These Storm Troopers aren’t playing.

Darth walk’s in like, “took you long enough.”

Do Leia’s hair twists add stealthy-ness?

“I want them alive” Darth says, after he murks dude.” No fun for the rank and file though eh?

Snatched up Leia.

C-3PO is that dude who gets to work in the morning and is already upset about next week’s schedule.

The hills have eyes… and cloaks.

Luke!

Even parents in other galaxies just don’t understand.

Can someone get Luke an outfit that doesn’t look like a Kimono?

Snap! Sand people are stealthy.

So wait, is Ben Obi-Wan’s pimp name?

The Force surrounds us and penetrates us. You know, like the smell of that bag of popcorn I left in the microwave for 4 minutes before starting this movie. That’s not coming out for a month.

Luke got that, “I could get grounded” look in his eye.

The battle station!

Dude feelings hurt after that force choke.

Ben Kenobi, smooth talker and bar brawl bad ass.

Solo needs to chill. It’s not that speed that you fly at but where you’re going.

Good story so far, but forgive me. The satellite dish on the Millennium Falcon. Really?

But Alderan doesn’t have to worry about Trump being president now, so there’s that.

The costumes in this movie — and the tone — are exquisite. Dialogue is better than the new movies too. Still don’t understand how folks hate Jar Jar, but C3PO is cool. He’s annoying as hell in this movie.

So what exactly do the tiny little robots on the Death Star do?

Very impressed by the mention of Jedi being some sort of “religion” or faith. Excellent approach to humanizing what’s essentially a space soap opera. I can’t relate to The Force, but I can relate to hearing someone talk about their religion and thinking “sorcery” to myself.

It’s a graboid in the trash compactor!

Awe snap. Darth vs Kenobi. I can’t unsee this pointy hood that Kenobi is wearing for obvious reasons.

“What if we simply tapped sticks and said it was a serious saber fight?” Seriously with this?

Ben is a space wizard! Wait, did this main just die?!

Luke, my man, she’s out of your league.

The Deathstar, is no more. Seriously though how was this thing a secret? It’s a hyperspace gray marble.

Awards time.

Thanks to Matthew for insisting that I use his Plex account to watch Star Wars and William for never letting me forget that I’d not seen the older series. Also thanks to Shade, who graciously didn’t hit me with a Swiffer WetJet when I told her I was spending around 12 hours of my weekend on these films. I actually don’t like the original film, but Empire Strikes Back isn’t bad at all.